Anchor Me

9:00 AM

The wind whipped Katrina's hair back from her face. The sky glowed with ribbons of white and a full canvas of blue. the landscape of green rolled along happily under the cliff. All things considered, it was a most beautiful day. The Earth is sending me off in style.it is rewarding me for this. She had told herself  that she wouldn't think like that, not on this, her final day. Still, there was no way to stem the tide of melancholy that washed over her. She had known that today would be her last. Her mind had been made up no less than an hour ago. She hadn't woken up and decided "Hey, I think I'll commit suicide today", but the human mind can only endure so much. Today, the last of her strength had finally raised a white flag and here she was, standing at the edge of existence.

7:00 AM

Too early. More sleep. She tried to fight the lack of fatigue and encouraged herself to go back to bed, but the morning called. She groaned. She didn't feel like doing anything today, especially not the dishes. In reality, it wasn't much to ask. Do the dishes, clean the kitchen, perform. She loved performing in her family's circus. Her act had become a main staple of the routine and her fans adored her. Still, today she felt no desire to do anything. It was nothing in particular, really, just a lack of motivation. Her head spun with dizziness as she sat up and mentally prepped herself for today's work. I'll give them something to really cheer for today. Maybe I can get Jason to replace the tight rope with sewing thread. A devious idea. An insane idea. A Katrina Idea. She felt nothing.
         Her father, of course, didn't want her to do the stunt. As good as she was, he still worried about her safety. Usually, such a thought would give her that sort of warm, beloved feeling. It meant so much that her parents cared for her with all of their hearts, and yet today her heart was empty.

Loser.

You again? Go away, will you? I'm busy negotiating. Come back and bother me later if you must.

He won't agree. It's not because he cares for you. It's because he knows that you can't do it.

Real mature. You're supposed to be on my side. Why do you insist on bothering me?

You might as well give up now. Or let yourself fall. The audience would love to see that. A real circus death.

She stopped trying to reason with herself and just ignored her. She didn't know when these thoughts had started, but when they did they never stopped. They had let up for a few weeks, but now the pill bottle was empty. She didn't want them anymore, anyway, so her parents didn't necessarily have to know that she was out. The thoughts knew. It's as if they had been waiting for it to happen. For her to get sick of the therapist visits. For her to become just fed up enough with remembering to take her medicine each day to quit. Today, they came with a vengeance. They didn't even wait for something to trigger them. This, as she would find out, would not stop.

7:45 AM

All was done. Her chores were completed and the kitchen shined with a clean sparkle. She was proud of herself. She decided to get in a few minutes of practice,though she had the routine down to a tee now. The tight rope was never hard, though it had its moments of being scary. Now and then she liked to brush up on her skills just to make sure that she had it.

You will fail. You will always fail.

She grunted as she climbed the ladder up to her rope. Just once, do you think that you could give me a break? Maybe some encouragement? If i go down, you do, too.

They will like it if you fall.

Well, we can't always have what we want, now can we?

She finished her ascent and stared down at the floor below. She took a step, placing one step in front of the other. Step. Step. Step.

Fall.

I never fall on purpose.

You're a burden on him, you know. He has to pay for your treatment, not you.

He does that because he loves me enough to do it.

No reason to prolong it. He would forget you. He has another child.

He would never forget me.

If not him, then your friends.

She tried to concentrate on the task at hand.

They don't love you nearly as much as your father does. They could move on quite easily.

No, they wouldn't.

You did.

She couldn't argue there. She had had friends die in the past and hardly felt a thing. Oh, she cried later of course, but the sadness never lasted for long.

You're a burden on them all. They always have to fix your mistakes.

Quiet!

Fall

Shut up!

Do them all a favor.

No!

Do it.

She tried to focus. Her foot slipped from the rope, then the other. She felt too stunned by fear to react. The net caught her, allowing her to catch her breath. She hadn't put it there. Thank you, dad.

Thank him by doing him the ultimate favor. That wasn't so bad, was it?

Well, no. But the net was there to catch me.

Feel it again. Feel it when there is no net.

8:00  AM

Dear family,

          Don't look for me. Believe me, you won't wan to find me. Don't ask me why I decided to do this. It would sound crazy if I told you. Please keep my stuff and don't get rid of any of it. I love you all,
                                                                                                    Katrina.

It wasn't elegant or heartfelt, but it would have to do. She decided that it would be nice of her to clean her room, so she spent the next half hour doing so. Goodbye. She passed her brother Jason on the way out and he asked her where she was going.
"Out." Was all she said to him.

9:02 AM

She felt dizziness grip her as she looked over the edge of the cliff. She pitied the trees and bushes that would bear witness to her remains. She hoped that it would rain so that she could be washed away into the ocean. She smiled a bittersweet smile. That way, i can always be with him and he'll come visit me. The "he" in question was Crow, her boyfriend. The boy was a scientist of each and every branch, or at least aspired to be. Be it biology, astronomy, or oceanography, he dabbled in anything he could get his hands on. She supposed that if there was anyone that would miss her other than her family, it would be him.

He will find someone else. Someone better. Someone who understands him.

She didn't bother arguing anymore. It was true. She didn't always understand him, but before today she had always felt that it didn't matter. Maybe it had always mattered, but the snowball effect of these thoughts had at last reached its peak today and, therefore, she was at last able to see it.

    She took one last look at the sky. She decided to take her shoes off, as she had always preferred to be barefoot and a friend had once brought up the question of "When you die, do you wear the same clothes for eternity?" Just in case that were true, she didn't want to be stuck in the same shoes for the rest of her eternity, so it was best not to risk it. Forgive me for what i am about to do. She stepped closer to the edge, gathering up every bit of nerve that she could muster.

Just do it. Don't think. Jump.

She closed her eyes and--

"Kat?"

She stepped back, more from reflex than anything else. She turned to see who had so rudely interrupted her. That has to be the single greatest coincidence I have ever seen. There he was, an armload of scientific equipment under both arms and dawned in a white lab coat. Who in their right mind wears a lab coat in public?

Who in their right mind jumps off a cliff?

Hypocrite.

"What on Earth are you doing up here?" She kept her voice calm and tried to appear inconspicuous.

"I should ask you the same question."

"I'm enjoying the scenery. It's better from up here." She was amazed at how well she could lie.

"Uh. . .huh. . ." He didn't seem the least bit surprised. "Well, 'spose I can't judge. I figured that i would get a better barometric reading from up here."

"Say what?"

"Weather stuff."

"Oh."

His new girlfriend will understand that. She will take part in it, even.

"Need any help?" She said to him as she screamed at herself mentally. She wanted to spend time with him before she went, even if she didn't understand half of it.

"No. I'm good. Thanks, though."

He doesn't want you to mess anything up. Stop being selfish.

She sighed quietly and turned to face the edge. I can't jump with him here. Please, just let me have this one thing. The thoughts obliged, settling on focusing their attention on the boy behind her. She smiled. He was such a strange one. Where normal people preferred sports or TV or video games, Crow enjoyed balancing equations and creating chemical mixtures. He was Nerd incarnate and she loved that about him. Some of her best memories were of the two of them. When he was near, she didn't have to worry about the thoughts, as they were all focused on him. Cheesy? Yes. And she was fully aware of it. It didn't stop her, though. He was a sort of anchor to any sanity that she may still have. As she was thinking, he was taking readings and writing things down. She knew that he hated to be bothered when he was doing this, but she felt that, maybe, she could save herself.

"Crow?"

"Mm-hmm?" He didn't look up. She didn't care. She reached for his hand and clasped it in hers. This confused him, as she normally didn't get all touchy-feely when he was busy. “Um. . .” She didn't know what to say. Hey, I'm about to jump off this cliff. Mind if I hold your hand a sec?
Crow had never been good at reading emotions, but an idiot could have seen that she was upset.

“Something wrong?”

Don't burden him.

“Just. . .could I maybe. . .” She threw both arms around his torso, hoping for the love of whatever thread was keeping her from the edge that he didn't pull away. She heard him let out a small gasp, either from surprise or the sudden weight on his lungs. Don't pull away. Please. Please, just be here for me. She felt his constricted arms manage to return the embrace. He set his chin atop her head, a nice dose of irony since she was slightly taller than he was. He didn't seem to mind this sudden display of affection, even though he really wasn't into that sort of thing himself. She knew that he was just going with it. Rolling with it. For her. That in itself had to mean something, even if she could be replaced. She knew that he would be sad for her at least for a little while, and this was something that she didn't wish to put him through. She knew that he didn't need her, but maybe that was okay for now. She wouldn't explain herself to him, rather write it off as her being silly. He would never know what his being here with her had done.

I need you more than you will ever know. . .and more than I will ever tell you. were her thoughts as she let the world dissolve away.